I Responded

Dear Tina,

Please forgive my contacting you; I hope you will not consider it harassment, since you did make clear I was not to contact you any further. However, I just wanted to apologize to you for everything that I’ve done to you, whether intentional or not. I owe you such a big apology, I’m at a loss as to where to begin.

You’re so clever. I was so angry at you for figuring out my little promotional plan, lol. You did not deserve the way I treated you or any of the things I said to you, whether directly or indirectly. I want you to know one thing, though: Yaoi World wasn’t just a promotional gimmick. I legitimately wanted to promote writers and entrepreneurs I admired (as well as myself, lol), including you. I would not have spent all that time on the site if I hadn’t really wanted to make it a real ezine. You see, in my mind, I thought it actually could be real; it wasn’t until everything fell apart at the end when I felt the sting of my conscience and the push to confess everything, that I realized how off-base my thinking was.

I thought giving the award to myself was funny. I’m actually surprised everyone didn’t know it was me, all along. I realize now that it wasn’t funny and that in the process of me being my usual narcissistic self, I hurt and inconvenienced people. For that, I am of course rather ashamed.

I read some things that you wrote about me and I got so angry about it that I talked dirt about you. Nothing that I said about you or your writing was at all true. It was just me, having a tantrum. I can be really mean when I’m angry. I guess that’s not exactly some big news flash.

I’m half-inclined to start Yaoi World up again, but just be up-front about it: this is me, Kira, I know you all hate me but maybe you’ll give me a chance anyway. Or maybe not. I really did want to interview you. That wasn’t fake, although it’s true that of everyone I picked out to interview, your name would have brought the most prestige to the ezine. So, I confess that I was shamelessly trying to harness your fame to bolster YW so that the awards would be recognized as real.

Begin Scooby-doo Style Confession:

It was an act of desperation. I’d burnt so many bridges coming back that I had to try something. My entire plan was to establish the magazine and then advertise it at AFF, where I am not allowed to advertise, so thereby indirectly advertise my site. Jaxxy actually bought it and I almost proceeded…but by the time I got to that point, I started feeling really uneasy about the whole thing. Believe it or not, I actually still like Jaxxy, even after everything she’s said about me, and I didn’t feel right using YW as a deceptive ploy any longer. I even withdrew my interview and award at one point, only to succumb to temptation and stick it back in there. By that time I was really enjoying the ezine–probably more than my writing, actually–and I actually intended to proceed with it indefinitely.

Then of course I had another mania which quickly disintegrated into psychosis, so I have not been able to address any of this since I made the confession and pulled my sites down some months ago.

So that is why you are only now hearing from me. I am trying to make restitution and clean up my mess *again*, and I don’t know if I will return to writing, but one of the things I am doing is putting up my fiction for free (or at least…that was my plan) as a courtesy to my old readers and to basically prevent me from putting up another paysite, which we all know simply cannot happen.

You probably don’t want to hear all this. I didn’t mean to dump. What I really just wanted to say was this: I apologize, from the bottom of my heart. I am so sorry.

Kind regards,

Kira Takenouchi

I responded eventually…of course:

First off – the apology is a month late and a .50 cents short. But it’s behind me. You will understand if I don’t go out talking publicly about your apology. I don’t wholly trust it, or you – I think it’s just something you need to do in order to reinvent yourself. However, I will give you the respect of at least responding to this email.

” I would not have spent all that time on the site if I hadn’t really wanted to make it a real ezine. “

“Yaoi World wasn’t just a promotional gimmick. I legitimately wanted to promote writers and entrepreneurs I admired (as well as myself, lol),”

Lesson 1 – you cannot run a zine and be part of it. :/ It’s impossible for writers to do this, it’s why ‘Roulette’ will finish in RUSH and I will no longer be adding creative content to it. (…). To truly run a fanzine, you have to be removed from the ‘credited creativity’ aspects of it. Look at the major BL blogs now – Boys-Luv.com, The Yaoi Review, and Boys Next Door. None of those women are creators in the fandom. They’re just fans. The curator of the Yaoi Review actually runs the blog for Aarin Fantasy – so she’s extended her coverage because she cares about the fandom–she has nothing to gain or lose in the game, and so she’s good at playing it.

“I thought giving the award to myself was funny. I’m actually surprised everyone didn’t know it was me, all along. I realize now that it wasn’t funny and that in the process of me being my usual narcissistic self, I hurt and inconvenienced people. For that, I am of course rather ashamed.”

I doubt it. You’ll do it again, as you have before. It’s in your nature to show your ass.

“I’m half-inclined to start Yaoi World up again, but just be up-front about it: this is me, Kira, I know you all hate me but maybe you’ll give me a chance anyway. Or maybe not. I really did want to interview you. That wasn’t fake, although it’s true that of everyone I picked out to interview, your name would have brought the most prestige to the ezine. So, I confess that I was shamelessly trying to harness your fame to bolster YW so that the awards would be recognized as real.”

This is a bad idea on so many levels. Let Yaoi World go; it’s over. If you want to do some serious spin-doctoring, contact one of the blogs and explain to them that you’re trying to redeem yourself–and can you please have a review spot [or fan-editorial spot] where you can occasionally post–play on your ‘social-exile’ status from fandom and hope it sounds interesting enough to them to give you a chance. Stop making shit up, it always blows up in your face and then you have to do the idiot dance on the internet and hope people forgot. It’s not worth it.

As for me…I think you overestimate my importance in manga. My name doesn’t sell titles like it used to – shit, no one at Aarin Fantasy seems to know who I am anymore. There’s still an influx of new fans, and to them GloBL means Dany/Dany or Kosen, or Yayoi Neko. Not me. ^_-

“Then of course I had another mania which quickly disintegrated into psychosis, so I have not been able to address any of this since I made the confession and pulled my sites down some months ago.”

Mania? Psychosis? Are you kidding me, really? It’s called shame and embarrassment because you got caught lying. Don’t over-diagnose; your reactions were normal considering the shit you pulled and were rightfully called out on. 4 Words: It’s Only The Internet. For every 20 people trashing you on a forum, there’s a 1000 people who have no fucking idea who you are. Try getting out more.

“So that is why you are only now hearing from me. I am trying to make restitution and clean up my mess *again*, and I don’t know if I will return to writing, but one of the things I am doing is putting up my fiction for free (or at least…that was my plan) as a courtesy to my old readers and to basically prevent me from putting up another paysite, which we all know simply cannot happen.

You probably don’t want to hear all this. I didn’t mean to dump. What I really just wanted to say was this: I apologize, from the bottom of my heart. I am so sorry.”

Fair enough.

I hope you think things through more clearly before you engage in something deceitful. Choose where you want to be in this fandom – writing meta, or writing fiction. Either way, if you want to be fan, remember it’s about the content—not the author.

Have a good day Lila,

Tina

——————

*sigh*

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2 thoughts on “I Responded

  1. Well, I’m glad that you think that we’re a major blog. πŸ˜‰
    Of course, I haven’t gotten off my ass and written a review in two weeks. I’m placing blame on that with the holiday weekend.

    If she ever wanted to air some of her bat-shit in public, I don’t see BND having a problem with that – but it would be for no more than Miranda and I laughing our asses off at her.

    I love your reply to her. I hope this makes her think.
    But, on the other hand, that may be giving her too much credit. πŸ˜‰

  2. Of course you’re a major blog. ^_^

    She could come back as just a fan columnist. Perhaps her review of AnK or some other shit…what are Kira’s thoughts on Yaoi? I’d read that, if she could stop herself from bringing ‘up’ herself.

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